Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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