If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
