i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
