I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
