These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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