Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
