I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
