I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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