god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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