I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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