I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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