So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
