So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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