I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
