I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
