The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
