Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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