that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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