I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
