I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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