The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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