So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
