One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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