I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
