I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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