Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
