I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
