I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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