we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made him laugh his dick is mine
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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