I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
