I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
