im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
