It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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