i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
