Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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