Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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