Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
