I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
