it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
