my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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