dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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