My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
