Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
