It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
