the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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