my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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