You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
