remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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