I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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