Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
