you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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