i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
