My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
