The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Two words: blizzard sex
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
