I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
